I hate your face
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
