You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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