I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
