She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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