Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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