I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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