I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I just want nice things and good sex
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Randomize
