Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
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