There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Randomize
