She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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