I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
