Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
