you traded sex for a burrito?
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
