Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
