I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
