it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
