It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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