I wanna bring you to show and tell
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
a search helicopter?!
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
