Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
