now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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