I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Dick very happy bro
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
