Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
You are a booty call, not a friend.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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