ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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