Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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