I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize