You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
