I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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