Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
