I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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