cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
