so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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