Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
