Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
