Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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