It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Barsexuality is the new black.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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