I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
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