Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
