I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
