its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
