I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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