tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
