theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
