conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
