best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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