Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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