Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
