Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
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