I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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