who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
