I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
