SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I wish I only lived at night.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
